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Thursday
Jun282012

I wanna live, not just survive.

Wherever you go, go with all your heart. 

Ever wonder if what you're doing, is what you're supposed to be doing with your life? 

I do. Everyday. Sometimes more then once a day. Sometimes I spend an entire day thinking about it.

Don't wonder. As good, or as bad as your life seems at the moment that you're reading this, it's how your life is supposed to be.

But alas, never get too content with happiness, or too stuck in confusion, because however you're feeling is only temporary. When life starts to spin out of control, you find balance, and when life seems balanced, life spins out of control. For some reason, even the most brilliant people in the world haven't been able to successfully solve a few of life's biggest mysteries.

1.) Why we haven't caught Big Foot - He has such.. big feet, shouldn't his tracks of led us to him by now?
2.) Find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - Leprechauns have tiny legs. Surely someone can outrun them.
3.) Make a pig fly - Birds fly. Breed a pig and a bird. Duh.
4.) Figure out life.

Maybe some things aren't meant to be captured, though. And maybe some things aren't meant to be figured out. (But seriously, how have they not found Big Foot yet?!)

I moved to Toronto to figure out my life, and I think that's where I made the mistake. Life is meant to be lived - not figured out. And while I was busy trying to figure it out, I think I forgot to live the past few months. Needless to say, I didn't accomplish what I came here for, but I did make some valuable realizations.

 

I'm a wonderer, and a wanderer, and that's how I've always been. I've packed up my life and moved so many times, and I always claimed it was so easy to do - and it always was. I guess that's because I was young. It wasn't until I moved to Toronto that I really realized what I left behind this time around. My family. Friendships. The comfort of my bed. The smell of outside in the summertime. The familiarity of driving on the same roads and passing the same street signs on my ride home every day. All the things that I forgot to appreciate, because I saw them day after day, everyday. All the amazing, little moments in life that you've had the privilege of enjoying everyday, you start to take for granted. You start to expect them, instead of being thankful for them. You start to question whether the grass is greener on the other side. That's when you need to pack up and leave town for a bit to see if it really is. 

Sometimes you don't know when you're taking the first step through a door until you're already inside. - Ann Voskamp

The grass isn't any greener, nor any less green here. I mean, if you want to get all technical, there's not even a lot of grass in Toronto, it's mostly concrete. I left Edmonton because I felt like I had tackled everything that that I needed to there, and maybe Toronto has a little too much to tackle at this point in my life. I love the city. I love the sand between my toes while I lay on the beach, and I even love that my nose is burnt to a crisp right now. I love what I could possibly accomplish in this city, which is what I won't likely be able to do anywhere else in Canada. Some people say I belong here, and a part of me believes that. But, another part of me can't see myself having to spend $600 everytime I want to see my family and friends, or drive 4 days. Maybe I was just meant to experience this city for a few months, maybe I was meant to stay here forever. But at this point in my life, I feel like I'm meant to continue to wander, so I've taken a job opportunity that will allow me to do that for the month of July. After that, who knows? Visit Zimbabawa is on the bucket list, think they'll have a job for a tiny blonde girl with big dreams, and a bigger imagination?

Not all that glitters is gold, not all those who wander are lost.

The one thing that I've noticed a lot the past couple years, is constant questioning from people. I alway felt that people perceived me as someone I'm not, based soley off what I do, how I say things, facebook pictures, other social media, etc. I always felt like I had to defend myself, to prove that I wasn't the person they thought I was. I was wrong, though. All that shit you think I am - you're probably right. The difference is, is that there's so much more to me the JUST that. I find myself trying to downplay my life, hoping people don't hate me just because I've got to experience some pretty amazing things. Fuck that. My life is an absolutely, amazing, beautiful, mess. Everything I do blows up in my face. The harder I try, the greater I fail, as soon as I take one step forward, I instantly end up taking 5 steps back - and as much as I wish things would work out every once in a while, I would not change the course of my life for anything in the world. I've never been handed something, I've had to kick and scream and prove myself more then anyone ever should ever have to, to get to where I am today. But having to work my ass off for all that I've gotten, has made me such a sympathetic, understanding, and loving human being - and the fact that I can wake up each morning and know that I am a damn good, great person, means that not a single second in the last 6 years of working my ass off with my career, friendships and relationships, has been a waste.

The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday. 
 


I'm almost 25. This just hit me today. I'm pretty sure yesterday I was 19 and graduating from college. Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if if I had chosen a different path, but life's not meant to be rewound and debated, because while you're wasting time daydreaming about the past, life is passsing you by and moving forward - with or without you. That being said, make moments count. Never waste your time on people who wouldn't waste their time on you. Fall in love, fall out of love, and let nothing damage your spirit. Instead of trying to figure out things that have been said and done, or things that haven't happened yet, just live - you'll figure out what you're meant to along the way. 

Wither will my path yet lead me? This path is stupid, it goes in spirals, perhaps in circles, but whicever way it goes, I will follow it. - Hermann Hesse
 

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    I wanna live, not just survive. - Blog - Devanrylee.com - You're nobody until you're blogged about

Reader Comments (2)

So... You're totally brilliant, not to mention adorable. I stumbled across a blog from like march of 2010 by randomly googling!Lol! It put my whole day in perspective & coincidently it was all the thoughts I had lingering in my mind. Just reading your words though it all made so much more sense to know someone else thought the same. Girl I even screen shot it and posted it on facebook and instagram, which lead to searching you & finding your blog! You're doing an awesome job!

July 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterlauren l.

Oh wow! Thank you SO much, Lauren! I was so surprised that I just saw this message - months later! I appreciate your sweet words, and am so glad you felt like you could relate, I hope you keep reading!! xoxo

September 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDevan

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